Dogs may have us fooled

The goal: Every day, one new thought, some of which I will even post.

Today was productive. I had two thoughts:

1)Isn’t a tailgate just a countdown with drinks?

2)If dogs are color blind, why do milk bones vary in color? You know they all taste the same anyway. They at least smell alike, right? Fine, you got me; I tried one before – eh, two to compare. OK, I eat them regularly by the handful. They’re good and they taste nothing like real dog food. More like skittles, really. Bow wow.

Coffee gouging

The goal: Every day, one new thought, some of which I will even post.

“Would you like room for sugar and cream?”

Not fully hearing the barista, I say, “Yes, sugar and cream please.”

Biggest mistake of my life. I’m looking at it right now. Not only is my medium missing a third of its mediumness, but now I have to add my own fixings. Ahhhhhh. How generous Starbucks is with its empty portions!

What kind of question is that anyway? It’s a question deserving of an answer like, “Nah, that’s OK; I can make my own room. I was planning on drinking part of it anyway.”

It’s like a pizza man* needing to know whether you plan on sprinkling your pie with crushed red pepper, then, upon confirming your spicy intentions, hands you over a box minus three slices.

Also, if the barista must badger, couldn't she word the question like, "Wit' or wit' out sugar and cream?"? That might offset some of emasculation I feel when in one of these places.

*(I would've used the more politically correct “pizza person” if it didn’t sound like the person was made of pizza, ala the Gingerbread Man.)

Faking rhythm

The goal: Every day, one new thought, some of which I will even post.

Rhythm seems like this elusive thing. I’m not saying you have it or you don’t. In fact, getting all your muscles to undulate in harmony seems more like a case of happenstance than a matter of talent. Right time, right place, muscles. Just as it takes a certain cadence to cast a spell, it may take a specific song to find ones rhythm. This is my hope. This sounds odd, but my neck feels too symmetrical, too between-my-shoulders while getting low on the dance floor.

But my lack of rhythm extends beyond the club. When I attempt to strum and sing simultaneously, my hand goes one direction, my voice another and my frustration boils over, culminating in a bring-it-all-together finish – like the ending to some games of chicken. Meet me: The Clash ver 2.0.

Still I find it fun to pretend. No better time to show off ones faux drum skills then while waiting in traffic. I slap and pitter-patter my side door to the tune of whatever is on, half-expecting a rear-view onlooker to step out of his vehicle, approach me and say “Yo, ‘Bullet with Butterfly Wings’? ... Niceee.”

Someone say this is normal.

Non-Narrative: Chantz Powell

(Finished May 31)
CHANTZ POWELL
Cherry Hill East
Senior

Accomplishment: One of South Jersey's top 110 hurdlers, Cherry Hill East senior Chantz Powell barely advanced out of the South Jersey Group 4 Sectional Champion May 24, placing sixth in a sub-par 14.94 – galaxies from his personal-best 14.40. Still, he just appreciates an extra chantz to rebound. Bound for the Rutgers University-New Brunswick next fall, Powell hopes to improve upon that time at the State Championships, possibly at Meet of Champions and, if all else fails, at college. He's also a threat in the 400 hurdles, having ran a season-best 56.0.
Hobbies: "I like to go to the movies and just hang out with my friends. Video games and movies, stuff like that."
Favorite movie: Superbad
Favorite TV show: Law & Order
Favorite junk food: Fried Snickers bar
Favorite real food: Chicken marsala
Favorite music group/artist: Kayne West (recently caught his Philly show)
Favorite subject: Calculus
What attracted you to track: "People have been trying to get me to come out for track since I was 10. I played soccer and basketball then and people saw how fast I was. The spring of my sophomore year I finally went out and I've loved it since then."
Favorite event: "Even though I think the 110 hurdles is my best, the 400 hurdles is my favorite. "
What will you remember from your senior year: "Watching [Camden Catholic senior] Kevin McDonnell run the 3,200 at the South Jersey Distance Night (9:17.5). It was pretty impressive. I want to see him do something really fast at the Meet of Champions. He had three people pacing him!"
Five years from now …: "I see myself possibly going to graduate school, probably for business, and do some track even after college."

A couple phrases for Opposite Day

The goal: Every day, one new thought, some of which I will even post.

Some phases connote the opposite of their intended meanings. I’m rattling off just a pair of examples to keep this goal from becoming too pathetic:

1) ASAP – The grandmother of all cellphone lingo (LOL!), ASAP started off as the gentlest nudge, like the equivalent of a not-so pushy person appointed to lead. But somewhere along the way it turned into a real bitch.

Whenever I read it, hear it, or contemplate using it, I always need a reminder of its meaning. As soon as possible? Nooo, that’s what it used to stand for, back in its archaic sense. Now, only popular among drill sergeants and Nazis, it means closer to “Bitch, I said 'now'” while a toothpick flings toward your face.

If you want something as soon as possible, and you’re not a nazi drill sergeant, spell it out.

2) “I will do my best ...” – These words are usually the last thing a person writes before sitting back on his/her hands. I feel like I’m getting the finger every time I hear it. It’s the only finger I say ‘Thanks’ for.